


The 3 AM Crew & The School Parking Lot Battlefield

by immaculategayvibes



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, And Phantom Troupe, And Zushi, But Main Squad, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gen, I Like Writing Chatfics Too Much, I'm Not Tagging All Characters, It's Just A Shitty Chatfic, Lot Of Swearing That's Why It's Rated T, M/M, Maybe The Ants Will Show Up, Multi, No Spoilers, Poly Hisoka/Chrollo/Illu Is Really Funny, Trans Kurapika, bad language, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29397747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immaculategayvibes/pseuds/immaculategayvibes
Summary: Chatfic in which no one sleeps, Gon is an oblivious bisexual, Leorio hates rich people, and everyone hates Chrollo's coatAlso the Spiders adopt Kalluto.
Relationships: Feitan/Phinks (Hunter X Hunter), Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Hisoka/Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer/Illumi Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	1. The 3 AM Crew

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for myself but i thought some parts were funny so now im sharing it any resemblance to other hxh chatfics may exist because i read them religiously so they might influence me somewhat and im dropping all i have all at once and then probably never continue it and the chatting format is 99% based off of discord
> 
> chapters change when the chatroom changes!
> 
> catboy nya: killua  
> pikachu: kurapika  
> not an old man: leorio  
> frogger: gon  
> *chicken noises*: pokkle  
> karate kid: zushi

**_The 3 AM Crew_ **

**_3:48 am_ **

**catboy nya:** oh no

**catboy nya:** o h n o

**pikachu:** are you okay????

**catboy nya:** no?????

**not an old man:** its like 4 am what the fuck are you guys doing

**catboy nya:** its not about what IM doing

**catboy nya:** its about what my BROTHER is doing

**frogger:** killua pls you have like 3 brothers

**catboy nya:** the oldest

**pikachu:** the one that hangs out with hisoka all the time???

***chicken noises*:** yeah obviously hes doing wack shit if he hangs out with the local clown 🤡

**catboy nya:** i was literally just chilling by my window right

**catboy nya:** gon youve been to my house youve seen my window sill pillow paradise supreme

**frogger:** i have yes

**catboy nya:** so i just. i was chilling

**catboy nya:** when i saw MOVEMENT INT UE GARDEN

**catboy nya:** n u know our estate is p big bc. rich people mansions so when i tell you i saw two people literally climb out of my brothers window as i heard footsteps in the hall-

**catboy nya:** i think my brother was doing SOMETHING with those two when my mom walked through the hall lmao

**not an old man:** its like 4 AM?????? why is ur mother up???? why were there two people in your brothers ROOM???? 

**catboy nya:** well my mom is a fucking cryptid

**catboy nya:** its where kalluto, alluka & illumi got it from

**catboy nya:** but yeah so then i texted illumi like wtf why were there two people in ur room at 3:30 am on a fucking thursday morning

**catboy nya:** he hasnt responded i think mom heard something n went to check on him so hes pretending to sleep

**karakte kid:** BUT WHO WAS IT

***chicken noises*:** ?????????!!??!?!?!?!

**catboy nya:** i feel like kurapika will go into a blind rage if i mention the other name but one of them was DEFINITELY hisoka

**pikachu:** i wont rage. honestly.

**catboy nya:** i think the other one was chrollo

**pikachu:** aight hol' up im coming over

**catboy nya:** he just left???

**pikachu:** WHICH MEANS HE CANT BE FAR

**catboy nya:** oh motherfucker…


	2. catboy nya, pins n needles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short one
> 
> pins n needles: illumi

**_catboy nya, pins n needles_ **

**_3:52 am_ **

**catboy nya:** okay one of my friends is currently on his way here to kill one of your boyfriends

**pins n needles:** one of them??

**catboy nya:** i saw chrollo & hisoka leaving just now you wanna tell me you were doing homework

**pins n needles:** no i meant that i wouldnt put it past your friends to kill both

**catboy nya:** HAKDJAKFKSJF 


	3. The 3 AM Crew

**_The 3 AM Crew_ **

**_3:54 am_ **

**catboy nya:** okay kurapika my brother said its okay

**pikachu:** good because im almost there

**pikachu:** i see them

**pikachu:** ill see you guys at school tomorrow i got a bitch to hunt


	4. The 3 AM Crew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zooted: ponzu

**_The 3 AM Crew_ **

**_7:32 am_ **

**zooted:** im kinda curious how that ended now

**pikachu:** i attacked chrollo but i forgot the zoldycks have this gigantic fucking guard dog

**pikachu:** so i ended up having to runaway with them

**pikachu:** so theres a temporary truce

**not an old man:** ok but kurapika

**not an old man:** have you slept???

**pikachu:** well it took like 2 hours to shake off the dog so um. a little bit??

**not an old man:** TWO HOURS???

**pikachu:** yeah it got chrollo's disgusting coat this one time and he had to tear it loose

**pikachu:** highlight of today

**frogger:** MIKE

**pikachu:** you… you know their dog

**frogger:** hell yeah one of their butlers likes me so sometimes when i come over i help him feed mike

**frogger:** hes a good doggo

**frogger:** speaking of the zoldycks killua get tf out of bed i thought we agreed to meet before school :(

**not an old man:** rich people smh

**pikachu:** your main goal in life is to get rich

**not an old man:** what if we eat the current rich and give me money

**not an old man:** sorry killua you gotta go. get on my plate

**catboy nya:** my PARENTS are rich i dont get SHIT

**not an old man:** not an excuse 😤 get on the plate rich boy

**frogger:** dont eat my best friend??? hello????

**catboy nya:** idk man the sweet release of death is pretty tempting

**frogger:** killua i will literally fight you

**zooted:** hey dumbo? thats what he wants

**frogger:** im not gonna KILL him???

**catboy nya:** disappointing

**frogger:** come to school right the fuck now i will talk you into loving yourself

**catboy nya:** illumi is driving both me n kallu&allu so ill probably be there like. 7:50

**frogger:** thats fine i can aggressively support you in ten minutes

**pikachu:** should i skip class

**not an old man:** no??? why???

**pikachu:** im tired and chrollo is in my first class today and i dont feel like fighting

***chicken noises*:** did you know you dont actually have to fight him every time you see him

**pikachu:** no i do

**pikachu:** he deserves it

**catboy nya:** literally what the fuck did he do to you

**not an old man:** im like 99% sure kurapika doesnt even remember

**pikachu:** yeah we just like. got into a fight back in like 2nd grade

**pikachu:** and now he is my mortal enemy

**pikachu:** not that the details matter

**not an old man:** i feel like the only reason he HASNT forgotten about that shit is because you keep attacking him for seemingly no reason

**pikachu:** im not gonna stop until he admits im better than him

**catboy nya:** bro idk how to say this you literally havent won a single fight

**pikachu:** DONT REMIND ME

**not an old man:** babe pls… let it go….

**catboy nya:** pack it up elsa

**frogger:** says the platinum blond

**catboy nya:** i dont control genetics???

**zooted:** wait its not dyed

**catboy nya:** no??????? its genetic??? my dad has it too????

**zooted:** lmao i just thought you wanted to copy ur dad who also has blond hair for no reason

**catboy nya:** like a straight man wohld dye his hair platinum blond

**zooted:** i dont know your dad that well???????????

**catboy nya:** be glad you dont hes a dick

**not an old man:** i know you hate your dad but like,, damn

**catboy nya:** AJDKSHFKSJFJSJ I SHOWED ILLUMI THE CHAT ABOUT PIKA CHASING CHROLLO AND HE CACKLED DJDKFLSJF HE LNEEVR LAUGHS

**frogger:** are you okay

**catboy nya:** "thats what that godawful coat deserves" SIR THATS ONE OF THE GUYS WHO LEFT UR ROOM AT 4 AM

**kurapika:** okay but now im sctually curious whats the mf situation

***chicken noises*:** im the mf mANAGER

**karate kid:** at the bread store???

***chicken noises*:** b̴̵̖͉̻͓̆̓̅̑͑̊̅̉̏̕͜͠r̷̫̦̊̌͛͛͘ȩ̷̶̙̰̣͙͍̤̼̜͉͔̐͊̓̌̀͂͜͠͝a̷͎̟͔͕̯̭̋͆̊̽̈ḑ̵̝͍̺͔̈́ͅ 

**catboy nya:** ….moving on

**catboy nya:** hes dating both of them. like dating dating. n they cane over for homework (allegedly) but it got p late n then mom came upstairs & illumi

**catboy nya:** who has. ridiculously good hearing might i add

**catboy nya:** kicked both of them out from where they came in. apparently hed guided them to the house n made them come in through his window to avoid mom's questions

**catboy nya:** mom does NOT like hisoka & chrollo is basically the town goth. mom does not like goths. especially goths with st peters cross imagery in everything they wear

**catboy nya:** theyd been there since after dinner

**catboy nya:** and i thought me being gay was the biggest family disappointment moment should mom find out

**catboy nya:** fuckin asshole stole my glory. i cant believe fucking ILLUMI is a bigger gay than me

**zooted:** of course hes a bigger gay than you killua

**zooted:** hes ridiculously tall. youre 5'5

**catboy nya:** im 5'7??

**zooted:** yeah and your brother is like 6'2

**catboy nya:** in my defense. im still a child

**pikachu:** thats what i used to tell myself and i still havent grown past 5'7

**pikachu:** stupid afab + short genes

**karate kid:** look on the bright side. one of chrollo's friends is shorter than ME

**pikachu:** thanks zushi that does help <3

**not an old man:** im 6'3

**pikachu:** blocked and reported

**not an old man:** for what?? what would you report me for bitch??? genetics??

**pikachu:** bullying

**not an old man:** you already knew?? i was tall??? when you started dating me???

**pikachu:** no i didnt we started dating before your fucking growth spurt

**pikachu:** i didnt even know i was trans when we started dating

**not an old man:** look i would love to finish this conversation but i really should get to school now so-

**pikachu:** mf fine im going too


	5. Is The School Dining Hall/Parking Lot Not A Fighting Ring?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> religious trauma™: chrollo  
> is this ur card: hisoka

**_Is The School Dining Hall/Parking Lot Not A Fighting Ring?_ **

**_9:23 am_ **

**religious trauma™:** _ @pikachu  _ are you okay?? you havent attacked me???

**pikachu:** dont fucking tempt me

**religious trauma™:** did you like.. sleep

**pikachu:** none of your fucking business

**not an old man:** pika holy shit LNMANGUAGE theres kids here

**catboy nya:** have you heard middle schoolers

**catboy nya:** _ @pins n needles  _ remember when kal said a bad word at dinner & mom nearly cried

**pins n needles:** dont remind me im in class i cant afford to laugh rn

**catboy nya:** ALSO  _ @religious trauma™  _ @ _ is this ur card  _ i will beat you up if something happens to illu and i WILL be joined by two angry middle schoolers

**religious trauma™:** idk if i should feel amused or threatened

**is this ur card:** ive met the middle schoolers

**is this ur card:** you should be terrified

**catboy nya:** you too asshole i will break your fucking kneexaps

**religious trauma™:** im like 99% sure hed be into that

**is this ur card:** stop telling everyone my kinks??? hello????? 

**catboy nya:** i did not need to read that at fucking 9:30 on like. 2 hours of sleep

**is this ur card:** WAIT YOURE THE REASON WE WERE CHASED BY KURAOIKA AT 4 AM

**pikachu:** okay fuck you i was chasing chrollo??? 

**religious trauma™:** why the FUCK were you chasing me at 4 am 

**pikachu:** you disturbed my friend and i hate you

**pikachu:** i hate hisoks as well but hes useless so 

**is this ur card:** im right here???????? ouch?????????

**catboy nya:** WAIT @ _ karate kid  _ HAVE YOU SEEN GON

**karate kid:** no lol

**not an old man:** gon is absent,?

**catboy nya:** we have math together first period on thursday but hes just. not here

**catboy nya:** and hes not responding to my texts

**catboy nya:** either hes avoiding me (what did i do wrong what the fuck) or something happened to him on the way to school

**pikachu:** hmm.. ill pm him hold up


	6. Pikachu, Frogger

**_pikachu, frogger_ **

**_9:28 am_ **

**pikachu:** hey are you okay??? 

**frogger:** oh lol im skipping class im fine

**pikachu:** killua is worried for you

**frogger:** im having an incredibly depressing breakfast at mcdonalds rn

**frogger:** did you know killua was gay

**pikachu:** you DIDNT?????

**frogger:** NO??????

**pikachu:** holy shit are you avoiding him bc hes gay

**pikachu:** youre literally queer why would you avoid your best friend after-

**pikachu:** holy shit nvm

**frogger:** yeah dude he was my gay awakening

**frogger:** i dont wanna lose him as a friend but idk if i can be friends with him knowing theres like.. a chance??? i guess?? 

**frogger:** idk its complicated

**pikachu:** my dude.. pelase talk to him… im beegign you…

**pikachu:** today is a wack day okay it'll work

**frogger:** but what if he doeznt like me back and ill ruin our friendship???? 

**pikachu:** i-

**pikachu:** gon i am BEGGING you

**frogger:** okay..


	7. Is The School Dining Hall/Parking Lot Not A Fighting Ring?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> otaku king: milluki  
> sharky: shalnark  
> SHITzuku: shizuku  
> faektan: feitan  
> beerbear: uvogin  
> sfinx: phinks  
> matchsticks: machi  
> pakuchi: pakunoda

**_Is The School Dining Hall/Parking Lot Not A Fighting Ring?_ **

**_4:32 pm_ **

**religious trauma™:** why the fuck is there a lost 12 year old on our doorstep

**religious trauma™:** _ @catboy nya @pins n needles @otaku king  _ what is your brother doing at our??? fucking house???

**otaku king:** mama said something about kalluto having vanished

**pins n needles:** i'll go pick him up

**is this ur card:** or we keep him lmao

**sharky:** im sorry you want us a bunch of orphans to take care of a middle schooler

**religious trauma™:** the middle schooler is threatening me

**is this ur card:** see he fits in perfectly

**SHITzuku:** hes 12?? his parents will fucking call the cops???

**pins n needles:** like theyd expose their child abuse like that 🤚😔🤚

**faketan:** i like the kid we should keep him

**religious trauma™:** the child has entered what the fuck do i do im not ready to be a parent

**pins n needles:** im qlmost there

**is this ur card:** illu you cant drive for shit please dont text while driving

**pins n needles:** I have my ducking license.

**beerbear:** ducking

**is this ur card:** oh bet hes speeding & using speech to text

**pins n needles:** Yes, I am.

**pins n needles:** The cops are making me pull over. I am sorry. Please watch carlito for me.

**is this ur card:** pussy keep driving

**faketan:** so we're keeping the kid?????

**beerbear:** yes

**religious trauma™:** n o .

**sfinx:** fuck you we are im his wacky uncle now

**SHITzuku:** update, phinks went up to kalluto and said something (couldnt hear) and the kid aimed his fan at him

**SHITzuku:** how the fuck were you guys raised

**matchsticks:** paku asked kalluto why he was here n he said he didnt feel like being home?? hello??? why us???

**is this ur card:** we're cool

**matchsticks:** youre not

**is this ur card:** ouch

**is this ur card:** chrollo your friends are bullying me again

**religious trauma™:** good

**is this ur card:** fuck you

**religious trauma™:** illumi is literally being harassed by pigs 

**is this ur card:** and soon so will i but for murder if you keep this up

**pikachu:** i cant fukcnig believe illumi puts up with both of you and i barely know him

**pakuchi:** i doubt he knows how

**faketan:** so are we adding kalluto to the spider chat or…?

**religious trauma™:** hes not????? a spider?????

**is this ur card:** neither is illumi and hes in the chat

**sfinx:** do not let the angry child in the chat 

**faketan:** youre just scared of him

**sfinx:** yes!! yes i am!!

**faketan:** coward

**sfinx:** fei the child is like not even 4 ft he cant reach my throat but he CAN reach yours

**faketan:** are you calling me short

**sfinx:** fei. babe. love of my life. you are literally 5’2

**faketan:** shut the fuck up giant

**matchsticks:** if youre ognna fight please do it in private or like. physically

**religious trauma™:** maybe not physically theres a twelve year old here

**sfinx:** i do NOT like the implication of that

**is this ur card:** no no hes right every time you two “fight” it ends up in some wackass makeout scene

**is this ur card:** even i dont want to be exposed to that 

**religious trauma™:** i mean dont you remember

**is this ur card:** heyyyyy

**is this ur card:** i cant do this right now king!!  **😁**

**religious trauma™:** what the fuck


	8. Spider Gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fanboy: kalluto

**_Spider Gang_ **

**_4:50 pm_ **

**_fanboy joined the chat_ **

**is this ur card:** yes i gave him the link no were not kicking him out welcome kallu!!

**fanboy:** arent you that clown that was in my brother’s room that one time

**matchsticks:** i take everything back i love this kid were keeping him

**fanboy:** wheres that goth guy

**fanboy:** the one with the ugly coat

**religious trauma™:** my coat isnt ugly

**faketan:** it is

**sfinx:** it is

**matchsticks:** it is

**pakuchi:** it is

**is this ur card:** ily but it is

**religious trauma™:** i fucking hate all of you

**SHITzuku:** okay but kalluto what are you doing here

**fanboy:** my mom was mad at illu this morning and i didnt feel like being home when her rage happened

**is this ur card:** well he just got pulled over by some cops so like

**is this ur card:** shes just gonna be more angry

**fanboy:** exactly so ive decided that when illu inevitably moves in with you, ill make him legally adopt me

**sfinx:** you can do that??

**fanboy:** in exceptional cases yeah

**religious trauma™:** how do i say this

**religious trauma™:** we dont have the space

**matchsticks:** yeah we do we have like 3 empty bedrooms and the only reason theyre clean is because shizuku likes to clean when shes stressed

**sfinx:** wait thats YOU???

**SHITzuku:** you didnt know?

**sfinx:** no???

**sfinx:** i just tjought the house had like. cleaning ghosts or something

**faketan:** cleaning g h o s t s ?

**sfinx:** i feel like this is bullying

**fanboy:** you deserve it

**pins n needles:** kallu what the fuck

**is this ur card:** hes BACK

**pins n needles:** with a fucking fine

**pins n needles:** but anyway ill be there in like 10 minutes


	9. The 3 AM Crew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last one ive made so far whoop

**_The 3 AM Crew_ **

**_5:30 pm_ **

**not an old man:** have any of you heard from gon and killua i just realized they havent been online for hours

**karate kid:** nope

**catboy nya:** we're here!!

**pikachu:** what the fuck

**not an old man:** where tf are you

**catboy nya:** oh im at gon's mito is making dinner and we're cuddling

**frogger:** _ @pikachu  _ you were right im sorry

**zooted:** right about… what

**pikachu:** gon was surprised that killua was gay

**pikachu:** he didnt know

**frogger:** hey dont make fun of me im just bad at picking up on subtext

**catboy nya:** i literally told you about my fourth grade gay awakening two weeks ago

**frogger:** you didnt use the word gay i just thought you meant that you liked how that boy looked and admired him!!!

**pikachu:** i dont want to make fun of you but you make it so easy

***chicken noises*:** wait but youre dating now???

**frogger:** yeah i stopped skipping and asked killua to meet me after classes and then we talked

**catboy nya:** he was all flustered it was adorable

**frogger:** like you werent

**zooted:** so youre dating now???

**catboy nya:** yep and im never leaving here

**frogger:** nope you would never leave alluka alone at your parents house 

**catboy nya:** next time i come over im bringing alluka and were never leaving

**catboy nya:** we've been friends for years im sure moving in together before even the first date wont be a problem <3

**frogger:** aunt mito will make it a problem

**catboy nya:** aunt mito loves me

**frogger:** im out of excuses 


End file.
